


i'll always think of you that way

by hellynz



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Implied Thasmin, and yaz is wonderful and mature beyond her years, as in they cuddle for a bit and i ship them so hard but also space wives, the doctor comes face to face with her past and she does not know how to deal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-07 20:50:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17967815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellynz/pseuds/hellynz
Summary: “Very occasionally I’ll meet up with another version of myself. Past or future. The TARDIS is usually pretty good at keeping me away from me, and time sort of protects itself, must’ve been why our landing was so rough."Or, the thirteenth Doctor encounters some old faces and struggles to deal with the reality of their absence in her life.





	1. i

**Author's Note:**

> Title inspired by Billie Holiday's "I'll Be Seeing You" (RIP oppy)

“And here we are! The Uri Eunha Museum of Local Galaxies,” the Doctor said, throwing open the TARDIS doors dramatically and running her hands along the door frame.

“Not our smoothest landing, Doc,” said Graham, looking a little green as he stepped into the sunlight.  
  
The Doctor scrunched up her face apologetically, patting the wall fondly before leaping out. “I know. Not sure what made the old girl act like that, sorry gang.”

When the Doctor had first brought up the idea of a space museum, Yaz was a little shocked she’d never thought of it before. She absolutely adored museums. Had since she was a little girl. There was something about looking at artifacts from a different time that enthralled her, and the idea of a futuristic space museum almost made her dizzy with excitement.

Now she really was a bit dizzy from the wild flight, smoothing out her jacket and redoing one of her buns as she stepped unsteadily out of the TARDIS, also pausing to give her a comforting touch. A whir came from behind her that she could swear sounded thankful; she grinned, sure she was beating Ryan out in their competition to see who could get the ship to like them better.

They had landed on a long walkway in front of an incomprehensibly massive building. The air around them was fresh, the sun just rising in the distance. The museum was built out of a simple beige material and was decorated sparingly, some sections covered in windows and others blocked off, spiraling upwards and outwards in dozens of enormous towers and wings, expanding and expanding out of sight.

Ryan whistled as he stepped next to Yaz, craning his neck back. “Can’t even see the top of this place.”

“It’s enormous, organized by century and by galaxy, has entries on every single planet,” the Doctor said, grinning, and began her stride towards the entrance.

They'd only arrived at the second wing, the Doctor chattering away with elaborations and corrections of the displays in front of them, when it happened.

Graham walked straight into the Doctor without noticing she had stopped.

She was frozen, her eyes wide and staring at a figure a couple of feet ahead of them. Her mouth hung open, then slammed shut, then opened again.

“Oh... I can’t believe it... It’s you-” she said, stepping forward slowly. The woman in front of them raised an eyebrow, looking at her with the confused but welcoming eyes of a person expecting to suddenly recognize someone from their past. Yaz didn't blame her from the familiar way the Doctor was staring at her, raising a hand to touch her face. The woman moved out of reach at the last moment.

“Well, I'm not usually one to decline such loving looks, but I'm afraid I don't know you, my dear,” the woman said slowly, a curious look still on her face and not reacting nearly as negatively as she should have.

The Doctor gasped and froze as if she’d been shocked, clapped both hands over her mouth, and leapt backwards towards her friends. Yaz let out a little yelp as she scurried behind her, hands still on her face.

The woman who had caused this reaction in the Doctor looked as human as they did. She wasn’t unremarkable; in fact, she was gorgeous, and beyond that had an air of self confidence about her that made her practically glow. A mane of curly blonde hair swam around a face lined with love and laugh lines, and eyes that caught the light with every movement. She wore denim pants and a black button down shirt that was tied at her waist, and her gaze glanced over them without a hint of recognition.

Still half hiding behind Yaz, stammering and bright red, the Doctor spoke without making eye contact. “Oh, sorry about that mate. I thought... thought you were someone I- you looked familiar. Sorry.”

The stranger tilted her head and shrugged. “Don’t worry. I’ve done a lot of travelling. It’s possible we’ve met before.”

“I uh... yeah. Maybe,” the Doctor answered quietly, still not looking up. “What’re the chances? Looking like someone I know. Being here. In the same room as me. In all of space and ti- space. You. Me. Us here at the same time. Unplanned.”

An awkward silence fell between them. Yaz looked at the Doctor, eyes searching for an explanation, but she found nothing, just a strangely fearful glare at the ground. The newcomer had a weird combination of confusion and expectation on her face and had turned fully towards them, her arms crossed. So Yaz took the situation into her own hands.

“Um. I’m Yaz,” she declared, stepping forward with a hand out in an attempt to break the strange moment. “Sorry about our friend, she’s a bit... awkward? But in a good way,” she added, glancing at the Doctor and expecting, hoping for a playful protest, but there was no change.

The stranger smiled and relaxed a bit, glancing back at the Doctor once more as well. “River. Nice to meet you. And don’t apologize, I’ve dealt with much weirder, you should stick around and meet my husband.”

They all noticed the way the Doctor visibly flinched at the mention of the spouse. Graham made eye contact with Yaz and raised one eyebrow, and she shrugged slightly, pulling a face, a silent conversation passing between them.

 _Any idea what’s happening?_  
_None at all._  
_Small talk it is then._

“On a date, are you?” Graham asked.

“Oh, day out with the in-laws,” she said, smirking to herself. Yaz felt the Doctor’s hand come up and grip the back of her jacket, squeezing tightly. At a glance she’d gone very pale and was still refusing to look in River’s direction, seemed to be muttering something to herself. River, on the other hand, seemed to have decided she was not interested in the blonde and was fully focused on Graham.

“Sounds like a good time. Well!” Graham said, clapping his hands together and turning towards his friends. “Should probably be leaving you to it.”

River nodded. “Have a nice day,” she said, unfazed, turning to gaze through the groups of people gathered around them.

It took a couple of tugs to get the Doctor moving back away from the mystery woman. She stumbled after them reluctantly, her eyes still on the stranger, barely noticing the way Yaz was dragging her by the arm.

“Over here, Doctor!” River suddenly called from behind them. The Doctor froze and her friends whirled, confused, but she was facing a different direction, waving a hand in the air towards a tall young man wearing a tan jacket and a bow tie, galloping towards her, a red haired woman and brown haired man not far behind.

They were all grinning, looking excited. The Doctor looked like she wanted to die.

“Oh gods, that’s not fair,” she whispered, and the pain dripping from her voice made Yaz’s blood run cold. She looked at her and almost wished she hadn’t, shuddering. Her eyes looked older than she’d ever seen them, wide and dark, her face pale.

“What’s going on, Doc?” Graham asked, glancing in between her and the reunion going on in front of them.

The emotions flooding from the mystery group contrasted directly with the slumped posture of the alien in front of them. The scene was joyful. River and the man she called Doctor had embraced, the second couple coming up behind them and greeting her as well with hugs and cheek kisses, a pat on the back and a noise of concern at a bruise on her arm.

Loud laughter and boisterous Scottish accents floated through the air towards them as the group made their way down a different wing, arms linking with arms and hands casually rearranging hair and accessories. They were very obviously a family, and their love and comfort radiated out from them into the rest of the room.

The Doctor - _their_ Doctor - made a soft noise of pain, one hand reaching out, leaning forward towards them, before shooting back to her side and clenching so hard her knuckles went white. Then, the group was out of sight.

“Doctor? You okay?” Ryan asked, waiving a hand gently in front of her face, “Please tell us what’s going on.”

She finally refocused, and Yaz could see her attempting to bring her walls back up as she smiled painfully at him.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m okay. Sorry gang,” she said, letting out too much air as if she’d been holding her breath. “We just. Um. We... I crossed over my own timeline?”

The three humans looked at each other, confused. She shrugged and swung her arms out to her sides, rolling up off of her heels and back down, head tilting from one side to the other, as if trying to shake something from her.

“C’mon, let’s walk while we talk.”

The group of three turned together and began to follow her, still shaking different parts of her body awkwardly.

“So, you know of course, time traveler,” she said with a sad sort of smirk that Yaz could tell was distinctly not supposed to look sad, gesturing at herself, turning back towards them so they could see but still walking forward. “Very occasionally I’ll meet up with another version of myself. Past or future. The TARDIS is usually pretty good at keeping me away from me, and time sort of protects itself, must’ve been why our landing was so rough. We shouldn’t have been able to land at all at the same time as a past version of myself, but we did. I didn’t remember this, didn’t realize...” she trailed off, any mirth, real or fake, dropping from her face as she gazed wistfully back down towards where the other quartet had disappeared.

“So you did know that woman,” Ryan said. Slowly, the Doctor nodded. “She said she was waiting for her husband. She... called him Doctor.”

That same sadness flickered across her face and her body trembled a little as she stopped walking. “Yeah, funny story. That was me. Told you I used to be a bloke.” Her face broke into an ironic grin, but nothing above her mouth moved; her eyes remained frozen in grief and reminiscence.

“So that was your wife? And those other people with you. Those were old friends of yours?”

Another slow nod.

“How long ago?”

The Doctor, still refusing to meet any of their eyes, swung her gaze up towards the ceiling. “Um... I’d say at least a couple hundred years. I spent a long time in that body, too much time to be honest. Hard to remember exactly how much. Don’t even really know how old I am, to be honest.”

Yaz took a deep breath, let it out slowly. “So I’m guessing you reacted like that because...”

The Doctor dropped her head to the ground, and huffed out a laugh that sounded dangerously watery.

Yaz cleared her throat, felt pressure pressing at her own eyes. “You said you lost your family a long time ago. I’m guessing she’s long gone, and your friends are too.”

One last slow, limp, heartbroken nod.

Graham took a step forward and hesitantly reached out and took the Doctor’s hand in between his. “Doc, I am so, so sorry,” he said softly, squeezing her hand and then dropping it, shaking his head. “I mean, I’m also a little miffed you never told me we were widowers together,” he said, and she shot him a wry smile.

“Yeah, sorry about that. I didn’t wanna bring it up at first in case you weren’t ready to talk about it, and then I got nervous that it was even weirder that I’d waited. Talked myself out of telling any of you. Also felt a little guilty, I had so much longer with her than you did with Grace.”

He smiled back. “I get it.”

The Doctor took one last glance down the hall, and when she spoke, Yaz’s heart broke.

“I was so happy back then.”

Nobody moved or spoke for a long time. And then she perked up and turned towards her fam. “Mind if we head out? I don’t wanna cause any paradoxes being in the same place as myself. Especially since one of me doesn’t know.”

At their murmured agreement, she turned and walked quickly back towards where they had come from, holding the doors to the TARDIS open for them.

They regrouped in the console room. The Doctor stood with her hands on her hips, head tilted down and face mostly masked by her hair. She took a sudden breath in and lifted her gaze to the ceiling. Yaz felt a dull ache in her chest when she saw the tears she was desperately trying to blink away.

Pulling herself up straight, the Doctor strode from the door to the console and threw a couple of switches, and the group felt the usual stomach rush and suddenly gravity change of the TARDIS taking off.

The Doctor lead them smoothly into the time vortex, stalled the engines, and immediately was strolling towards the entrance into the rest of the TARDIS, hands shoved into her pockets and not looking any of them in the eye.

“Well, we may have to do space education another time. I have some things I have to get to, holler if you need me.”

She was gone before any of them could protest, footsteps clumping quickly down one of the many hallways and disappearing.


	2. ii

_‘I was so happy back then.’_

  
_Was._

  
_Past tense._

Yaz rolled over yet again and groaned, throwing one arm over her eyes.

After the Doctor’s disappearance into the depths of the ship, she, Graham, and Ryan had shared their worry, but had decided to give her time to recover. Despite her usual bubbly energy, she did go into moods sometimes, and always re-appeared within a couple of hours to join them again.

But she’d run off that morning, and they hadn’t seen her for the rest of the day.

Sitting up, Yaz leaned forward to rest her hands on her knees and sighed. She wasn’t going to sleep until she knew the Doctor was okay.

The door to her room slid open with a hiss, and she stepped into one of the seemingly never ending hallways of the TARDIS. Hesitant but hopeful, she reached out and pressed a hand gently to one wall.

“Hey there... old girl? I’m sorry, I’m still not sure what to call you directly,” she started, speaking to the flat surface in front of her and feeling a little silly, “but I was wondering if you could help me. I’m trying to find the Doctor. Today was a weird day. I want to check on her.”

The lights in the hallway dimmed low and then came back on, a series of beeps lowering in pitch sounding off above her head.

_Was that a no?_ Yaz shrugged. “I know she probably wants to be alone, but I don’t think she should be. I just want to make sure she’s okay, but you’ve known her much longer than I have. What do you think, love? Will you take me to her?”

There was a long pause.

Yaz almost gave up and resigned herself to exploring the halls at random. Then suddenly, there were lights along the edges of the floor she was standing on, leading down the hallway to her right and around a corner.

Yaz smiled. “Thank you. I’m glad you trust me.”

From far away, a whistle of contentment sounded. Secretly, Yaz notched herself another point against Ryan.

She found the Doctor in the library, sitting in an armchair in front of a fireplace that was crackling away, knees pulled up to her chest and chin resting on them. Her gaze into the fire was forlorn and distant, like she wasn’t actually seeing anything at all. Yaz approached quietly and put a hand on the back of the chair.

“Doctor?”

The blonde jumped a little and then looked up at her, a tiny smile spreading.

“Hiya Yaz,” she said, uncharacteristically soft spoken. “What’s up, do you need something?”

Yaz shook her head. “Mind if I sit with you for a bit? Or did you want to be alone...” she trailed off, uncertain.

But the Doctor shook her head and gestured. “Course I don’t mind, I always want you around.”

Yaz smiled and slid into an armchair opposite the Doctor.

She watched as her friend settled back into her previous position, folded into herself and staring at nothing. Her usually bright eyes were dull, and though it may have just been the way the fire threw parts of her face into shadow, she looked very tired and very old.

“Have you been in here all day?” Yaz asked after a moment, glancing around the dark, cozy room.

The Doctor tilted her head back and forth. “Sort of. I did some wandering too.”

“How are you doing? Did you eat? I could bring you some food if you want.”

Her smile this time was more genuine. “You’re too nice to me, Yaz. I’m fine, don’t worry.”

“I kind of hate the word ‘fine’,” Yaz said, smirking, “seems like it means closer to a five out of ten than a ten out of ten.”

The Doctor scoffed. “Five out of ten is half points! That’s not that bad.”

“It’s definitely not good,” Yaz shot back. “Are you at a five then?”

She hummed thoughtfully, her eyes darting around the room. Yaz could practically hear the gears in her brain whirring as she searched for a way out of the conversation.

“I’m serious, Doctor. Please don’t change the subject,” she said, voice low and earnest. “I know you like to hide emotional stuff, but I wish you would let me be here for you.”

The blonde still wouldn’t look at her, and was flushing slightly.

“Just... scale of one to ten. No judgement. I just want to know.”

Another pause. The Doctor had ceased her search for an excuse and resorted to fidgeting with her hands, wringing her fingers together and picking at her nails.

“I really, really don’t like talking about this stuff.”

“I can see that. But I’d like it if you did.”

Yaz waited, staring at her, arms crossed. She could tell she was winning, saw the Doctor’s shoulders start to drop. She finally slumped forward, releasing the rest of the tension from her body. “Fine. I’m better than earlier. Not too bad. Probably a 4.”

“Thank you,” Yaz said, uncrossing her arms. “Although I’ll admit, I wish you were a lot higher on the scale than that.”

The Doctor snorted and then shot an irritated glance at the ceiling as the TARDIS sounded off with a series of chimes. Yaz smothered a giggle.

“See, she agrees with me.”

“Yeah, well, what does she know,” the Doctor said, but was smiling slightly again.

The silence that fell between them was comfortable this time as they both settled back into their chairs. Yaz watched the Doctor closely, looking for any change in mood or demeanor, but nothing came up.

“When I was bullied in elementary school, my mom used to say the same thing to me when I was really upset over it: ‘do you want to talk about it, or be distracted from it?’” she said, catching the Doctor’s gaze as she looked over at her slowly. “Either one is better than dwelling in it by yourself.”

“Yeah, I’ve been known to dwell,” said the Doctor softly. "Also, I'm still angry that anyone would ever bully my Yaz."

 Yaz smiled appreciatively and leaned forward.

“It was just a bit of a shock. I’ve been doing a really good job of not thinking about any of that. Got my sonic, got my TARDIS, got my fam, I’m good, no need to dwell. So it hit me pretty hard. Seeing them all so suddenly,” the Doctor said finally, hugging her knees even closer to herself.

Yaz made a soft noise of sympathy, watching the blonde’s big eyes water in the dark.

“It’s not that I never want to think about them again either,” she continued, “I just...”

She trailed off, and Yaz let quiet fall between them, waiting. Her heart clenched in her chest as the Doctor took a long, shaky breath.

“You really loved all of them, didn’t you?” she said, encouraging.

The Doctor shook again, whether it was from laughter or misery Yaz could not quite tell.

“I love every single person I’ve ever traveled with. I’ve lived for so long that a lot of things have faded, but never any of you. Never my friends.

“With River... It was strange for me. I’ve loved before, and loved harder. But with her... Our timelines were all messed up because she’s a time traveler too. When I first met her she’d already experienced all of our relationship, and I’d never seen her before. But her love was so strong and so confident that I believed her immediately, knew there was something special between us before I’d even had a real conversation with her. And then as I started to love her back... her love started fading. Because as I knew her more, she knew me less. It was difficult to deal with, loving and knowing her more and more as it faded for her. To be so sure of how someone feels of you only to see it slowly fading...

“I really don’t... this body, this version of me, is bad at confrontation. I really don’t like it. To have her not know me at all, to watch my old friends walk away from me again, was like the ultimate confrontation. It was pretty terrible,” she said, twisting one corner of her mouth up as a truly poor attempt at lightening the mood.

“I lose everyone I love. After I do that to them. It’s hard to deal with sometimes.”

Yaz frowned, pondering. “What do you mean by what you do to them?”

She saw the wince the Doctor tried to hide before she plastered on a grin, stretching her legs out in front of her and kicking her feet a few times. Something hateful flashed across her eyes, making Yaz shift uncomfortably in her seat.

“Oh, you know,” she said, eyes darting around the room, “nothing, don’t worry about it.”

“You really aren’t a good liar.”

The Doctor huffed loudly, her shoulders slumping over.

“Wanna know what I mean? I swooped down into the middle of their perfectly good lives and completely ruined them. Took them away from their planet, made it so they could never be normal humans again, got them into all kinds of dangerous situations and eventually lost them, and then was so selfish and lonely that I just keep doing it over and over.” She laughed, a dark, humorless sound. “I basically doom everyone I meet.”

“Well that’s not fair,” Yaz barked suddenly, as surprised as the Doctor looked at the animosity in her voice. “You don’t get to blame yourself for that. You didn’t doom them- you didn’t doom me. For opening worlds and minds, showing them something they never could have comprehended before you, that isn’t doom. Just because it ends at some point doesn’t take away that it was worth it while it was happening. You didn’t doom us, and don’t you dare say that.”

The Doctor’s mouth had fallen open, and she was gaping at the brunette.

“...What?”

Yaz sighed angrily, and then stalked across the room and threw herself into the chair the Doctor was using, squeezing them together, ignoring her yelp and slightly frightened look, and wrapped the frozen blonde into a hug.

“You have given me the most incredible gift by taking me with you,” she murmured, the Doctor stiff in her grasp. “And you gave that to them too. No matter how it ended. You absolutely are not allowed to use their temporary happiness against yourself.”

The Doctor was softening, her body drooping closer to Yaz’s.

“I was so bored before you showed up, and now I spend every day on a different planet with my best mate, my pseudo granddad, and the most amazing person in the universe. Your friends before us made a choice. We made a choice. Our lives are better because of it. I’m so sorry that you’ve lost so many people. But the fact that you miss them so much means it was worth it to have them around at all.”

Slowly, the Doctor’s arms rose from her side and wrapped tightly around Yaz’s waist. Her forehead rested on her shoulder, and she turned so their legs were intertwined, bodies pressed together. Yaz moved so her chin was resting on top of the Doctor’s head and began running her fingers gently through the blonde hair.

“I’m going to treasure every single moment I have with you, no matter how long or short it goes on for, and when it does eventually end, I’ll feel better knowing that you’re still out there somewhere treasuring me too. Human life is brief, might as well spend what we can of it careening through space and time.”

Yaz felt the Doctor’s shoulders start to shake gently and felt tears prick her own eyes as the Doctors’ dampened her shirt.  
She held her for a long time, rubbing soothing circles onto her back. So long that she was almost asleep herself when she felt the alien go completely limp against her, breathing slow and steady, and they slept tangled together.

\--

The next day, the Doctor was the last one to enter the console room. It was unusual, considering she rarely left, but when she strode in a bit after Yaz, Ryan, and Graham had gathered, it was with all of her normal energy and bravado.

Yaz had snuck out of the library early that morning, the Doctor still unconscious as she slipped out of her arms. She assumed the alien had needed it anyways, as she almost never saw her sleep and had noticed bags forming under her eyes recently, but mostly she’d wanted to talk to Ryan and Graham alone.

A brief discussion including minor details had been enough to ease the most of the boys’ fears; as much as the Doctor tried to pretend she was above it all, her other two besties had easily recognized that she needed their emotional support, and they were more than willing to provide it. But Yaz had told them she had it handled, and they trusted her.

“Where to next, team? I know we didn’t get that much alien history after all, maybe we should head somewhere else educational, or we could go to see the moons of Kazan, that’s been on my list for awhile now, there’s a three way eclipse in 5492 that corresponds with a major migration of these bio-luminescent insects and I’ve heard it’s spectacular...”

While the boys were distracted with trying to keep their balance, Yaz approached the Doctor.

"How are you feeling today?"

The Doctor paused in her frantic jostling of the controls and leaned over, taking her hand gently. "Better. Solid six out of ten. Thanks, Yaz."

The brunette smiled, squeezing her hand back. "Any time."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ajhgsadjksadr I never write fluffy stuff like this and I feel like I didn't capture them quite right, but I hope you enjoyed it anyways. This started as a River/13 reunion ficlet but it just kept growing on me.
> 
> follow me at tumblr.com/hellynz
> 
> every single kudos and comment is appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> Part 2 will be up tomorrow!
> 
> In the scene with River I was trying to portray the fact that she obviously knows the Doctor regenerates and that it could have been a new face, but that she decided it wasn’t them. I had a hard time doing so without being in her head, I hope it came across okay.
> 
> Let me know what you think. Every single kudos and comment is sooooo appreciated! Thanks for reading.
> 
> tumblr.com/hellynz


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